NO HOLDS BARRED

Hey brother, it's 1989 and Hulkamania is running wild all over the world and the World Wrestling Federation. With his 36 inch pythons and all of his in ring charisma, Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan produced a movie where kayfabe (meaning the fighting and characters are real) exists and it showcases even more of Hulk Hogan for all the little hulkamaniacs. Hogan, of course, would be the main character as he will be challenged and have to use the power of the people in order to fight against the villains of the feature. How does my movie hold up after many years? Is it a hidden gem? We'll judge this movie on story, characters and fighting sequences since this is a wrestling movie. So, let's hulk up, rip off our t-shirts and put our hands to our ears as we review No Holds Barred.

The first thing I must say is I am a wrestling fan and have been once since I was four years old in 1989. The first pay-per-view I saw was ChiTown Rumble 1989 (an NWA wrestling promotion) seeing Ric Flair vs Ricky Steamboat. Wrestling has since evolved with modern era wrestlers are more athletic and are less cartoony and flamboyant. The story of No Holds Barred is about Hulk Hogan (playing a character named Rip) and he is the WWF world champion. He is approached by 1980's stock bond villain network executives as they want Rip on their station to promote ratings. When Rip refuses, the head executive (Mr. Brell) does everything to ruin Rip by hosting his own “fights” and having his own champion Zeus, who is a megalomaniac, ruin Rips' popularity. Brell does everything an over-the-top villain would do with hiring goons for fights to kidnapping and beating up innocent people just to get to Rip (also including his outlandish evil laugh that would make Dr. Evil proud). The story is basic and it doesn't really offer us anything more because you cannot showcase someone like Hogan to be seen as weak or scared because at the time he was a champion and still was one of the main events for the then WWF.

The characters are ridiculous. This movie has these over-the-top characters with their motivations so simple and unnecessary that it makes me laugh at the stupidity of the dialogue and the delivery as well as they act on screen. Rip (Hogan) is your traditional good guy. He does and say all the right things (drinks his milk and takes all his vitamins dude). He is stock. Whenever he talks, you can tell he is still trying to showcase he is Hulk Hogan and not someone named Rip. For someone who cuts promos and has so much charisma, it is fascinating to see Hogan not having chemistry on film as well as not seeming comfortable with his direction. Brell makes me feel like Vince McMahon was writing from experience bringing in all his wrestling talent by giving them blank checks and demanding their loyalty. Brell is so 1980's that he makes me laugh with how goofy and outrageous he is determined to humiliate Rip and ruin him because he turned down a chance to work for his TV studio. He is maniacal and greedy that he makes Gordon Gecko seem like Mother Theresa. He is slimy, rotten and exactly what villains in the 80's were known for. They have no redeeming factors or any other personality other than being rotten to the core. Rip's rival, Zeus, is bat shit monster man. He walks like Frankenstein, he doesn't have any kind of fluidity with his movement, and all he does is just scream like an animal the whole time. The only thing we know of Zeus was that he is uncontrollable and that's really about it. He wants to kill Rip and make himself the champ. No extra backstory or reasoning; he just is what he is and that is good enough for this movie because we want to see how Hogan will defeat him.

The fighting sequences are fine. For what wrestling was like during that time, we see that on the screen. They showcase the big boot from Hogan, sleeper holds, body slams, clotheslines, etc. The movie even showcases real wrestlers such as Stan Hansen and Mad Dog Vachon as a bunch of bums. The movie is showing kayfabe is real. The punches and the moves are all real thus amplifying the connections of the fists to the face and more. One fight sequence, which is hilarious, shows Hogan being driven to a garage where hired goons are going to beat him up. He bursts through the roof of the limo, beats up the goons and the driver shits himself and we get the infamous line of “dookie”. Overall, the fighting scenes are fine. They are nothing over dramatic or extraordinary but they were simplistic and for the time of what wrestling was showcasing on TV, it was pretty accurate.

This movie is really something else. This movie falls into the “It's so bad its good” category in my opinion. The story is silly, the dialogue is laughable, and some of the fighting is lame. When you have a character like Zeus doing nothing but foaming at the mouth and growling like an animal, you know you're going to be in for a wild and crazy experience. The movie gives exactly what we want; it gives us outdated action, cheesy dialogue and a foil for Hogan and his hulkamaniacs to run wild on. It's entertaining in the so bad its good. I'm glad there was some enjoyment in watching the movie rather than being bored. Though it's not a cinematic masterpiece, if you want a good laugh and a couple of face palms, then this movie is for you. If you cannot find the humor in what I've been talking about, then I say pass.

I give this movie 2.5 Double Axe Hammers out of 5